Oh, You've Got to be Kidding Me!
by SwiftWolf
Summary: Doctor whoxLOTR crossover - The Doctor and Martha find themselves in what they thought was just a story
1. Chapter 1

**Hey all, I know its been a very long time since I posted anything on this site, and I know I still haven't finished my other story 'All Because of my Human Side', it is on my list to do, I just need a bit of a break from that one at the mo, but I promise I will complete it one way or another! Especially as I'm one of those people who hates to leave anything unfinished! **

**This is just something I started doing in one of my more less than productive lectures, I don't know as of yet whether this shall be a proper story, we'll have to see how it goes, but I thought you guys might want to read it so you've at least heard from me and know that I am in fact not dead!! Any who, enjoy.**

**Chapter 1**

'So, let me get this straight, you have absolutely no idea as to where we're going?'

'Nope' replied a tall, skinny figure in a suit as he bounded across the console room, which was currently pulsing with life as it lurched from side to side. 'Not a clue! Nada!... Wonder where that phrase derived from? Nada?' The figure actually stood still as he entertained this apparently very interesting trail of thought.

'Nada?' he repeated quietly, 'Anyway!' he yelled, once more running around, 'It's more fun that way! Flying blind! We could land anywhere any when and I don't have a clue!' he said as he turned around to face his companion, a delighted almost childlike grin spreading across his features, 'Isn't that brilliant!'

'But Doctor!' exclaimed his friend, unfolding her arms and pointing at him, her stance determined and defiant despite the ships movements, 'Remember what happened last time we flew blind because you just wanted a bit of fun?!'

'But we did have fun!' cried the Doctor, his voice gaining an octave or two.

'Oh sure, the villagers were very nice, we got to dance and sing and join in their customs. But then', interrupting the Doctor before he had the chance, 'someone had to go and start waving their sonic screwdriver around!', her arms flew around to emphasize her point, 'knowing that they were a highly superstitious civilisation and the next minute we're the centre of a witch hunt!'

'But I was trying to help them! I was freeing one of their people who was chained by an opposing tribe! It's not my fault that they took it the wrong way!'

'We had to run in the pitch black through a forest, tearing at thorn bushes, falling down hills into freezing streams during a great big thunderstorm!'

'Oh come on Martha!' whining ever so slightly, 'It wasn't that bad!' Martha just raised an eyebrow in response, her arms once again folded. 'Oh go on Martha, admit it', his voice low and enthralling as he sauntered up to her, his hands stuffed into the pockets of his brown overcoat, the tardis now still, the room quiet except for a low hum, 'Admit it, you know you want to'.

Martha, now concentrating on keeping a straight face and remain her ground as the doctor started to circle round, turning it into a game.

'You had fun, running though an unknown forest', he whispered from her left, 'Your senses on alert,' he whispered suddenly on her right, breath tickling her ear, 'Taking every detail in.' Then he was once more standing in front, 'See look at that smile!! You did have fun!'

Martha hadn't even realised that her face was betraying her, thinking herself used to the Doctor's antics as he cheekily teased her, her past crush on him having turned into a friendly joke ever since she and Tom had gotten engaged.

'I'm not smiling!'

'Oh but I believe you are!'

'I'm not!'

'Are too!'

'Are not!'

'Are too!'

'Are not!'

'Are are are!'

'Not not not!'

Resulting in a staring competition, the Doctor leaning down slightly to be at Martha's level, both trying to get the other to break first. This continued for barely a minute until they simultaneously doubled up in laughter.

'Your face!' cried Martha in between breaths, 'I knew you couldn't keep still for even a minute! I just knew!'

'Neither can you Miss Jones! Thank you very much!'

Once their laughter had subsided they were calm enough to realise that they had in fact arrived at their new destination.

'Ready?' asked the Doctor, a mischievous grin plastered across his features.

'Ready as ever' replied Martha, already tingling at the thought of what wonders awaited them on the other side of that door. Then, pulling on her jacket, she took the Doctor's outstretched hand and together they strode out though the doors, only to be greeted by an 

ancient dark forest. Martha glared at the Doctor as she heard a familiar amused rumble from the tardis, while the Doctor could only shrug innocently before pulling her after him as he strode deeper into the unknown.

**Well hope you like it, just so you know, this is set before journeys end, donna is just visiting her family for a while so the doc has persuaded Martha on a trip as Tom's away in Africa and she's on her own. It will probably come up later on but hey, doesn't hurt to say it now!**

**R&R!!**


	2. Chapter 2

**Right, I've decided to put this chapter up earlier than I previously planned due to the fab reviews I received from all you brilliant people! Surprised me how much you guys liked it actually but there we go. Not as much dialog in this chapter I'm afraid, but I hope you enjoy it none the less.**

**Chapter 2**

The Doctor and Martha had been walking for about twenty minutes, weaving and winding their way through the maze of trees and roots, with sunlight occasionally breaking through the dense foliage warming their faces.

'It's so quiet in here', whispered Martha, as if she herself was afraid of breaking such silence, 'No birds or animals ... nothing. I mean the trees are so close together that there's not even a breeze.'

'Hmmmh' replied the Doctor, still leading the way, 'It most certainly is quiet, but not devoid of life I think. There are animals here, somewhere, hiding away in the darkness, perhaps too scared to dare to make a noise. And the trees! Martha, the trees!' he suddenly exclaimed in an urgent whisper as he spun round to face her.

'What about them?'

'Don't you feel it?!' replied the Doctor incredulously, 'They're teeming with life Martha!'

'Doctor! Feel what?'

'That tingling sensation, as if the trees are listening, hanging on our every word! Can't you feel it? Surely you can!' Martha just gazed back with a perplexed look. 'You humans, how do you get around!'

'Doctor!' she huffed impatiently, 'What do you mean they're listening? They're trees! I know it may be a bit close and dark in here making it seem as if something is going on, but they're trees!'

'Shame on you Martha Jones!' cried out the Doctor indignantly, now both talking normally, neither having realised the increasing volume of their voices. 'Just because the trees on Earth choose to keep themselves to themselves doesn't mean that that's how trees everywhere else in the universe choose to act! All trees are aware of their surroundings to some degree, some simply listen while others can walk and talk!'

While the Doctor ranted on, movement behind his shoulder caught Martha's attention, or was it just the dark playing tricks on her mind? But no, there it was again! It was like a shifting of shadows, almost as if something darker was emerging, if that was at all possible.

The Doctor however, was still rambling on, blissfully unaware of their predicament, until he finally came to realise Martha's lack of interest.

'Martha! Are you listening to me?' he exclaimed, snapping his fingers in front of her face, but stopped abruptly when he noticed her rigid frame, pale complexion and saucer wide eyes. 'Martha' he whispered, 'What's wrong?'

Stuttering slightly she replied, 'You know how you said that the animals might be scarred of something?'

'...Yeah...'

'I think I know what it is'

'What?'

'How about a bloody great big spider! And that spider is currently approaching us'.

'Really?' Intrigued the Doctor slowly turned around, his eyes growing bambi wide at the sight that greeted him.

Looming out of the darkness, its form towering over them, a spider emerged. Legs huge and hairy, thick as branches, stalking silently forwards, its great body mass seeming oddly agile with all eight unblinking eyes focused on its prey, the Doctor and Martha.

'Ah ... right,' he uttered as he cautiously stepped back a pace, 'Well ... Martha?'

'Yeah?' she whispered from behind his tall frame.

'Might I suggest ... RUUUNNNN!!'

Spinning around he reached out and tightly grasped Martha's hand in his and in a flash they were off, tearing through the forest as if there was no tomorrow, but then again, so was the spider.

As soon as they moved it leapt after them, its great bulk sickly swaying from side to side as it scuttled after them, legs moving faster than eyes can follow. The effect being that it was fast, very fast. Nothing escaping its eight eyes as it chased its prey, gaining and gaining until it was almost upon them. So close! Just that little bit further!

'DOCTOR!' cried Martha as she felt their pursuer brush her back. In response the Doctor immediately changed direction, pulling Martha after him as he dived onto a denser path, a path that hopefully the spider couldn't follow.

They were dodging, weaving, ducking, leaping over fallen branches, bushes and streams, regardless of their clothes as they tore through thorns, yanking each other up whenever they fell.

As they ran, hands still tightly clasped, Martha dared to glance back. Seeing only the path that they had torn up she tried to ease their pace, pulling back on the Doctor's hand, but he only, brutally almost, yanked her forwards, his pace if anything, increasing.

'NO! Keep going!'

'But it's gone, it's not behind us anymore! Doctor!'

'No it hasn't! It's above us!'

Martha automatically glanced up before she could stop herself, immediately wishing she hadn't as her stomach twisted itself into an even tighter knot. It was at times like these that 

she was thankful for her previous experiences with the Doctor and her UNIT training, otherwise she would have stopped dead at the sight. But she knew that stopping was not an option, and a clear calm mind was vital.

The spider was scuttling through the tree tops, their branches creating twisting paths above their heads, its ungainly leg flying in all directions as it balanced and steadied itself. It was literally flying though the canopy, giving it an unfair advantage thought Martha, they only had two!

As this thought flickered across her mind, she would have laughed at the absurdity of the situation, but then again, maybe not as she caught sight of glistening fangs, dripping with saliva in eager anticipation of a well deserved meal.

Legs burning and lungs screaming she forced herself on, ignoring the collection of gashes she was gaining.

'Can't you talk to it or something!' yelled Martha in between breaths, 'Make it see sense like you usually do?'

'Somehow I doubt she's interested in talking at the moment!'

'She!'

'What! She is a she after all!'

'Trust you to notice such a detail at a time like this!'

But at that moment the spider changed its behaviour, sending projectiles flying over their heads, causing them to duck and change course slightly every time it got too close.

'Please tell me that that's not web!'

'Okay'

'So what is it?'

'You told me not to tell you!' the Doctor exclaimed.

'Oh don't you dare get smart with me mister!'

As they continued to run, the Doctor got an uneasy feeling that they were being herded, but herded into what? More spiders? Either way, things were not looking good.

All of a sudden their footing disappeared from beneath them and they fell down a harsh slope, rolling and sliding uncontrollably until they finally came to a stop at the bottom in a tangle of arms and legs.

Everything was still ... quiet, the only sound being that of the harsh breathing of the two figures lying in a crumpled heap, too dazed for the moment to do anything.

The Doctor was the first one to come round to his senses. Carefully, he disentangled himself from Martha, rolling off of her in the process.

'Martha?' he whispered, she groaned in response.

'God you're a heavy lump for someone so skinny!'

The Doctor grinned wryly, 'Well you shouldn't listen to everything Donna says about me! Are you alright?' he asked as he helped her sit up, quickly checking her over for any broken bones.

'Yeah I'm fine' she replied breathlessly, 'You?' she asked as she gave him the same assessment he had just given her.

'Still in one piece ... just about.'

Pulling Martha up onto her feet, they slowly took in their surroundings.

'Where are we?'

'I don't know,' the Doctor slowly replied, 'But more importantly, where's our newly acquainted friend gone?'

'... Maybe she let us go.'

'No ... the trees aren't so dense here, perfect for her to chase us.'

'Then what's she doing? What is she waiting for?'

The Doctor continued to nervously glance around them, 'She's playing a game ... toying with us' he spat, 'She wanted us to come this way, herding us towards this point.' Anyone looking at the Doctor at this moment would have been able to see the cogs churning around his brain, logically figuring out their situation. '...towards this area ... towards ... her territory!'

'... Oh that's just so not good...'

'Well...' said the Doctor as he ran a hand through his now untidy hair, 'could be worse'.

'Oh ya think!' accused Martha as she pointed to her left and right, depicting out the two slightly smaller spiders who were joining in the fun, as well as their previous acquaintance who was now ambling down the slope.

'...Ah...'

'You just couldn't keep quiet could you!'

'I've really got to start thinking before I speak!' he replied as they slowly retreated backwards, step by step, they're pace getting faster as the spiders continued to get closer, that was until ...

'Aggrrh! What the!' cried Martha as they're hasty retreat came to an abrupt stop.

'Oh... now this is bad, this is, this is really worse than bad!'

'We're caught in a spiders web aren't we,' stated Martha.

'Yep,' answered the Doctor, popping the 'p' as he did so.

'Can't reach your sonic screwdriver can you?'

'Nope' he replied in the same fashion, 'and mummy's called the kids for dinner...!'

**Right then, hoped you enjoyed it, let me know what you think. The next chapter may be a bit longer in coming as I already had this chapter pretty much done when I posted the first one, I just had to finish it off, but I haven't even started the next one! So you shall have to wait! Mwa ha ha! Lol! Anywho, please review!**


	3. Chapter 3

**Sorry about the wait, been a tad busy ...**

Previously...

'_Aggrrh! What the!' cried Martha as they're hasty retreat came to an abrupt stop._

'_Oh... now this is bad, this is, this is really worse than bad!'_

'_We're caught in a spiders web aren't we,' stated Martha._

'_Yep,' answered the Doctor, popping the 'p' as he did so._

'_Can't reach your sonic screwdriver can you?'_

'_Nope' he replied in the same fashion, 'and mummy's called the kids for dinner...!'_

Oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

As the spiders approached nearer and nearer their prey increasingly thrashed wildly in the hope of breaking free, but instead only made their predicament worse by becoming even more entangled in the web. Realising this, the Doctor and Martha stilled, unable to tear away their gaze from their captors.

Trying a different tack the Doctor straightened up as much as he was able, 'Now, lets be reasonable here! You really need to think about what you're doing ...'

The mother seemed to stop for a moment, her children following suit, as they took in the Doctor. This was new to them, usually their prey just became more and more frantic the closer they got, but these two. These two were something new. An almost amused expression came over the spider thought Martha, as she realised what was happening. They were trying to reason with her!

'That's it, I mean look at us! We wouldn't make a good meal for you, all bones and no meat!'

Martha chose this point to chime in 'Especially him! There is literally nothing of him, all he does is run around like a headless chicken day after day and yet he eats like a horse! Seriously you wouldn't believe how much he can shovel into his mouth, while talking I might add, and yet look at him! Skinny as a bean pole!'

'Do you mind!' cried out the Doctor indignantly, 'I am not that bad!'

'Yes you are!'

'No I'm not and for the second time today you need to stop listening to Donna!' Turning back to their audience he continued, 'So as you can see, what's the point in eating us eh? You won't enjoy us and not to mention the indigestion we would probably cause. So why not turn around, take your kiddies with you and let us be?'

The spider just continued to look at him, her offspring looking back and forth to see the outcome like a tennis match. 'Go on, just think of all the other juicy meals that are just waiting out there!'

'On the other hand my two little pets' the spider suddenly hissed, 'You are still a meal, and in these hard times we must take what we can get.'

'That spider just spoke...' whispered Martha.

'...Yeah' replied the doctor, then again to the spider as she started her approach again, 'Well, when you say it like that...'

Martha and the Doctor immediately started struggling anew as the dark masses moved too close for comfort, their pincers clicking in anticipation. The mother reached Martha first, moving a sickly hairy leg over Martha's face, seeming to consider her for a moment while prodding various parts of her body.

'DOCTOR!' She cried out, trying to twist away from the interrogation, shutting her eyes to block the sight of her own terrified face being reflected back at her from eight beady black eyes, yelping when the spider tugged on her hair forcing her to look at her. Martha became aware of the Doctor still by her side, fighting furiously at his bonds, yelling something, but she was too preoccupied to figure out what he was saying. The sight of dripping fangs bearing nearer and nearer to her throat as she was held fast in the spiders grip seemed to take most of her attention.

Martha was frozen by fear, fear of not going home again, of never doing all that she dreamed of, of leaving her family without a word and ... and ...Tom

'_He'll think I've abandoned him'_ she thought, '_He'll think that I never loved him...oh Tom ...I'm sorry, I'm so sorry...'_ Her heart yearned for him, his face, his touch, but when she opened her eyes all she saw were fangs, inches from her throat.

But then they stopped and the spiders stilled. As one they all suddenly lurched for their prey while at the same time a whistling noise filled the air, swiftly followed by the outraged cries of the spiders as they fell back from the Doctor and Martha, both of whom were panting heavily and trying to take in what was happening.

The spiders were swaying this way and that, lashing out at something in the trees while arrows rained down on them, forcing them slowly back, back into the darkness from where they came.

When finally it was all over, the clearing was once again silent save for the harsh and frantic breathing of the Doctor and Martha. Suddenly several men jumped down from their perches in the trees, one of whom immediately made his way over to the web, releasing its two occupants. As soon as they were free the Doctor grabbed Martha in a fierce hug, whispering over and over into her hair 'I'm sorry, I'm so so sorry'.

Martha was still stunned into silence, her body trembling in his arms as he held her tightly to his chest, trying to process the last few minutes. At a cough from behind her she disengaged herself from her reluctant companion, who she noticed was trembling as badly as she was.

'_But for different reasons I expect', _as he kept her hand in a tight grasp. Turning to face their rescuers Martha nearly gasped aloud. There were six men in total, all tall, lean and well ... masculine. Their hair was dead straight, either blonde or black. But what really caught her attention was their ears. All of them had highly defined pointed ears.

The one who cut their bonds stepped forward, bow in hand and a quiver of arrows strapped to his back, blonde hair splayed over his shoulders, piercing crystal blue eyes looking right through them.

'Who are you?'

The Doctor immediately answered, having already regained his composure. 'I'm the Doctor and this is Martha Jones.' He stepped forward a pace and offered his other hand that Martha was not holding out in greeting. After briefly regarding he nodded to them both and grasped the Doctors hand firmly. 'I cannot thank you enough for helping us out. Thank you, thank you so much!'

Smiling slightly, 'You are welcome. But may I enquire as to why you are here in Mirkwood. This forest has many dangers to those that even know them well.' Cocking his head to one side he continued, 'Most would steer clear at all costs'.

At the mention of 'Mirkwood' the Doctor had gripped Martha's hand even tighter, warning her to stay quiet.

'Well, me and Martha here, we're not like most!'

Finally Martha snapped out of her trance, feeling slightly more like herself. 'Oi! Speak for yourself! I'm relatively normal compared to you!'

Grinning down at her, relieved that she was speaking again he countered, 'Oh but Martha Jones! You are anything but normal! You're a marvel.'

Ignoring this she continued, 'And what did I say earlier about you finding trouble when you don't know where you're going!'

'...It wasn't that bad ... was it..?'

'I have four words for you, 'Great Big Bloody Spider!', I'll never see them in the same way again. You'll have to explain this to Tom when you next see him!'

Grinning slyly, happy to banter as it was dispelling the dark atmosphere left from their pursuers, 'Are you saying that you're afraid of spiders?'

'I wasn't till now!!'

All throughout this the other men just listened, amused at the two. The one who had spoken before once again cleared his throat, gaining their attention. 'Are you two saying that you entered here not knowing where it led?'

The Doctor nodded, 'Yep, pretty much.'

'You have no place to stay then?'

'Not exactly no...'

'Then you had better accompany us. It'll be dark soon and you don't want to be lost out here at night.'

With that the company began to move off, the Doctor and Martha automatically following, 'And where exactly are we going?'

'To my home'

'Which is?...'

'You'll find out soon enough.'

'At least tell us your name?'

'When it is safe to do so I shall'

Exasperated the Doctor fell quiet, these people obviously weren't chatty when on the move. They trudged through the forest, following some hidden path that made their progress swift, barely making a sound as they travelled. After an hour or so they came upon a large path leading up to a grand building that stood proudly amid the trees. A soft breeze brushed against their faces as if in welcome and with it came the gently sound of music and singing.

Turning the blonde man said, 'Welcome to Mirkwood palace, home of King Thaunduril. To answer your previous enquiry, I am Legolas, Prince of Mirkwood.'

With that he bowed to the Doctor and kissed Martha's hand, his eyes twinkling in the delight of being home at last.

Martha just turned to the Doctor, eyes wide in disbelief even though she had suspected it, while the Doctor simply repeatedly opened and closed his mouth, actually at a loss of what to say.

**Let me know what you think!**


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